Friday, January 31, 2014

Perfect Paradigms Of Poor Parenting

We need to have a little talk about portion sizes.
And...when to know one's stroller days are over.

Leave me alone, people! I'm trying to smother my child here!


Developing a little early there, aren't ya, missy?

Wait right there. I'll be back in a minute. An hour maximum.

Hot potato, hot potato!

Spelling're doing it wrong.

This is how Miley Cyrus got started. Except Billy Ray 
was the one taking the photos then. Oh, snap!

No comment.

You touch it first, sweetie, to see if it's turned on. Okay, good.

Facial reconstruction're doing it right, actually.

Don't worry, baby, you'll be back in just a minute.

Ketchup is good. Too good to waste.
Especially when licked right off someone's face.

We're gonna need a bigger cart.

Okay, now hit that little red safety button, and you're good to go!

No, you don't eat it, silly! It's not a lollipop!

You have to admit – there's a certain logic to this. Sort of.

No worries. The kid's hotblooded. Check it and see.

Hey, it worked in Gremlins...

Gotta face your fears sometime, kiddo! Now's as good a time as any.

"Just one sip, Mama. I won't throw up. Honest!"

See...what had happened was...

Pretty sure that's a suffocation hazard. Gotta love Walmart people!

Starting a little young, aren't ya, fella?

Yikes, a spider! That could've really hurt you, sweetie!

This is ridiculous! Where's she going
to put all her groceries now?

You had to be there. It made so much more sense at the time.

Puff, puff, pass...

I see Paris, I see France, I see poopy underpants.

Fetal alcohol're doing it right.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Halfway Hilarious Historical Ads

Three things all toys should include:
Music, Rocking, and Donkeys!

Hands down, the creepiest toy
I've ever seen. "Magic Skin
Fingers" that can "do almost
anything that human hands can
do"? That makes my skin crawl!

I wasn't allowed to make "pumperoos" when I was a kid.
I was told "nice kids don't make pumperoos." Tragedy!

What a terribly unfortunate name for a toy gun!
Apparently, it "shoots true as your aim."  #smh

"Five Inches Of Danger"? I'm shaking in my tiny boots!

I sent off for this and all I received was an empty box.  At least I 
think it was an empty box. Maybe I should go check it again.

"Come On...Punch-Me!" There are some people that I wish 
would actually ask me to do that. I'd be happy to oblige.

Yesterday's toys are today's child pornography.

Speaking of which...this Breyers ad is in extremely poor taste.

"Get rid of unwanted babies fast"? What? I'm sorry, what?

"Group Action Joe"?  I don't even want to know.

"Papa says it won't hurt me."

"Accidental discharge impossible."

"An Iver Johnson revolver can lie around the house.
The Iver Johnson safety device makes it safe even for children."

I'd like to tell you that this manufacturer went out of 
business within a matter of a few years. But in actuality,
they lasted more than a hundred years before finally folding.

One word: WOW!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Bizarre Quotes By Notable People Named Kim

"That's my chicken. 
That's my chicken. 
Give me the chicken!"  
~  Kim Richards, actress

"I think if I'm 40 and I don't have 
any kids and I'm not married, 
I would have a baby artificially 
inseminated. I would feel like
Mary – like Jesus is my baby."
~  Kim Kardashian, celebrity

"I'm a black woman trapped
in a white woman's body."
~  Kim Zolciak, celebrity

"I haven't had sex in eight
months. To be honest, I
now prefer to go bowling."
~  Lil' Kim, rapper

"I don't take myself seriously any
more. Sometimes I just garden in 
my knickers and platform shoes."
~  Kim Wilde, singer

"Alec and I are looking for a farm, 
because I have a cow named Henry."
~  Kim Basinger, actress

"I have been foiled by a man in a dress."
~  Kim Possible, teenage superhero

Friday, January 3, 2014

Snicker-Worthy Senior Citizens

First of all, I didn't make any of these up. I found them on various sites across the Internet.

Secondly, maybe some of these aren't very respectful and for that, on behalf of the original captioning authors, I apologize.

Thirdly, these certainly are not representative of all elderly people. But you gotta admit, the stereotypes exist for a reason.

Finally, enjoy!  ~  JH